If my kids have learned anything, it's that talking in a baby voice will get you burned with a lit cigarette.
Updated 28 seconds ago
Ha ha... That's THREE people who have told me (#muse) it's the best performance all year at the Emirates #arsenal @MickTheGooner
Updated 32 seconds ago
The noises I make during a workout are indistinguishable from the noises the 28 Days Later "infected" make. #TryingToGetDownToMyZombieWeight
Updated 45 seconds ago
@roywoodjr lolol word up. I started back in 04 where you could only get up twice a month at crackers comedy club in Indiana.
Updated 55 seconds ago
used to be into white water rafting and rock climbing. Now I get those same thrills by riding public transportation while black out drunk.
Updated 3 minutes ago
Having never seen before, I'm now plowing through all episodes of Arrested Development. I now get what everyone has been talking about.
Updated 4 minutes ago
Very bizarre sight seeing thousands of happy people emerging from The Emirates. Turns out it was Muse playing, not Arsenal. That explains it
Updated 5 minutes ago
Sometimes you have to bang someone who is way below your standards to break your Dry Spell. It's a Tune-Up Lay.
Updated 6 minutes ago
No one knows how hard it is to be me. Every time I make a milkshake, 15,000 boys just show up in my yard.
Updated 6 minutes ago
Great list RT @ItsChrisWalker: 3 favorite people in the whole world
1. @50cent
2. @Jokoy
3. @TheRock
And I don't care what anyone says
Updated 8 minutes ago
What the...?! RT @KendraSchultz: Caught someone #redhanded gnawing on my @kevinpollak book #dogslikekevinpollaktoo http://t.co/bEp3ev89ly
Updated 9 minutes ago
RT @BradWollack: “@Jokoy: @joshwolfcomedy I did that the day it happened ” Jo, you couldn't have donated half the money u JUST won.>shut up
Updated 9 minutes ago
RT @popnewsgirl: I find it interesting that @AmandaBynes only follows seven people - and one of them is Barack Obama. #foodforthought
Updated 9 minutes ago
Respect to @DavidHayemaker, the toughest guy in the world. Any one who can go on TV in my nan's silver quilted house coat has no fear :)
Updated 10 minutes ago
RT @FrankieTabbs: Saw and met comedian @jasoncollings this week. Funny guy. Looking forward to seeing him again!
Updated 10 minutes ago
Soup Plantation is code for "Bulimic's Dream".
Updated 10 minutes ago
The Santa Monica Dolphins rugby team played with heart in the State Championships today. Many are still alive.
Updated 12 minutes ago
Me and @sheryl404 after the Tank show. She was the opener and smashed it! Whats good @ajalexander2529 . http://t.co/dLkCSlcAN4
Updated 12 minutes ago
I am now off the bridge. Kittens is breathing again. See you @BellHouseNY we are stardust.
Updated 12 minutes ago
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