Following
219
219
Followers
333
333
Twitter Name: @carlos_valencia
Website: http://carlosVcomedy.com
Location: Atlanta, GA
Description: Retweet me. That's the only thing I want so much.
Website: http://carlosVcomedy.com
Location: Atlanta, GA
Description: Retweet me. That's the only thing I want so much.
My home remedy of late-night drinking, arm-wrestling, and smoking marijuana has proven highly ineffective at getting rid of my nagging cold.
Updated 4 day(s) ago
#illNeverUnderstandWhy magnets stick to metal. #Miracles
Updated 6 day(s) ago
Fox News is to journalism as the WWE is to professional sports.
Updated 6 day(s) ago
RT @CrypticBullshit: Parwhore is the art of a woman using her body and her surroundings to propel herself onto as many cocks as quickly as …
Updated 6 day(s) ago
Friends don't let friends use the same coke straw when they have a cold.
Updated 7 day(s) ago
RT @StephenBCramer: I gave my word to my boss but I neglected to tell him that my word was stolen.
Updated 8 day(s) ago
Just heard NBC canceled "Whitney". A sad day for the canned laughter industry.
Updated 8 day(s) ago
#mentionsomebodyyouridefornomatterwhat TL;DR
Updated 8 day(s) ago
Had a sandwich at a deli called "Subway" and did laundry with @paulhooper. New York City!!
Updated 9 day(s) ago
A man with Parkinson's told me he wanted a milkshake, so I poured him a glass of Nesquik and let him take care of the rest.
Updated 10 day(s) ago
They say Stop-and-Go driving is very harsh on your car, that's why I prefer Go-and-Go driving, or as the judge calls it, "Hit-and-Run".
Updated 11 day(s) ago
RT @MattDavis: 2 of my human friends @Juniorstopka & @carlos_valencia are on tour together, & they may get married! Go see them. h…
Updated 11 day(s) ago
Looking forward to spending Cinco De Mayo with some of my favorite Mexicans: @DougStanhope, @Juniorstopka, and @paulhooper.
Updated 12 day(s) ago
The Honor System is just another way of saying Free.
Updated 12 day(s) ago
#RappersWeForgotAbout DJ Whatshisface
Updated 12 day(s) ago
If doing the alphabet with your tongue is a good way of performing cunnilingus, then Chinese dudes must be fuckin awesome at giving oral.
Updated 13 day(s) ago
OK we get it, New Jersey, you're terrified of fuel pumps, but do you have to make everyone else that drives through you suffer too? #GrowUp
Updated 13 day(s) ago
RT @JCBonesLair: #ff @carlos_valencia @ChadRiden @DukeSkywalker @JakeHeadComedy @jlalondecomedy @Juniorstopka @mattwardcomedy @MacHarde @m…
Updated 14 day(s) ago
Sometimes I get bummed out when I think of how it's 2013 and we still don't have flying cars. But then I think, well at least I'm not a Jew.
Updated 14 day(s) ago
I'd trade Location for an Age filter. I'd rather see what's trending in Zaire than what tweens are drooling about anywhere. #5SOSFOLLOWME
Updated 15 day(s) ago
RT @Juniorstopka: Don't want to provoke people but semi-automatics are cool,women aren't funny,the gov. did the Boston bombings, & I sa…
Updated 15 day(s) ago
I pray some day people will realize the uselessness of prayer. #nationaldayofprayer
Updated 15 day(s) ago
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