Jason Sweeney

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Twitter Name: @sween
Website: http://iamyourcanadianboyfriend.com
Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Description: limited edition, macaroni and glitter on construction paper.

Profile Link: http://comedytweet.com/Jason_Sweeney
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“What do you mean the Leafs blew a three-point lead?? TURN THIS CAPSULE AROUND!!” Welcome home, @Cmdr_Hadfield.
Updated 10 day(s) ago
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“What do you mean, the Leafs blew a three-point lead?? TURN THIS CAPSULE AROUND!!” Welcome home, @Cmdr_Hadfield.
Updated 10 day(s) ago
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Now the Leafs are out of the playoffs, theatre and art gallery attendance is going to go through the *roof*.
Updated 10 day(s) ago
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Calm down, Toronto. It’s not like this is new to us.
Updated 10 day(s) ago
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Today I said “hi” to someone really loud and it sounded like I was doing karate and I have literally never felt so cool.
Updated 10 day(s) ago
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Dr. Pepper only has a PhD.
Updated 11 day(s) ago
Comedian Jason Sweeney on Twitter
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RT @Cmdr_Hadfield: With deference to the genius of David Bowie, here's Space Oddity, recorded on Station. A last glimpse of the World. http…
Updated 11 day(s) ago
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41-years old and I’m *still* pissed off about the whole “EVERY day is Kids Day!” crap.
Updated 11 day(s) ago
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Even though I feed him *every* day, I just realized my cat has never laughed at a single one of my jokes.
Updated 11 day(s) ago
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I’d never *actually* divorce my wife, but when I got tagged in the nuts and she told me to “walk it off”? I thought about it.
Updated 12 day(s) ago
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RT @Moltz: How many times can you guys get away with farting in front of your wives by saying “Oops”? I’ve only gotten to 2 before she leav…
Updated 12 day(s) ago
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@texburgher You probably like something on volcanoes. Or March 13, 1979.
Updated 13 day(s) ago
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@texburgher You would.
Updated 13 day(s) ago
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This place sells “something bagels”. It's like they're not even trying.
Updated 13 day(s) ago
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Stress?? You don't KNOW stress until you've spent fifty years living a quiet, domestic life with stress.
Updated 14 day(s) ago
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Yay! Explaining jokes!
Updated 14 day(s) ago
Comedian Jason Sweeney on Twitter
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I’m not saying people in the Middle East don’t floss. I’m saying I expected peace in the Middle East before I ever started flossing.
Updated 14 day(s) ago
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RT @mat: Dear Millenials AND Boomers, http://t.co/jfJjUXg58R Love, The people who brought you punk, rap, and EDM
Updated 14 day(s) ago
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My wife convinced me to start flossing. Sending her to the Middle East to sort it out next.
Updated 14 day(s) ago
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Wife: “Your penis is so cute! Like a hobbit in the Shire! It lives at BAG END! HA!” I’ve never been so mortified yet proud all at once.
Updated 14 day(s) ago
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Who *is* the stinky boy? https://t.co/ewH5J9JPxj
Updated 15 day(s) ago
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RT @dudymas: @sween don't be sorry... I couldn't stay angry achoo
Updated 15 day(s) ago
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oh god I’m so sorry
Updated 15 day(s) ago
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My sneezes are so good, people say “GesundTIGHT”.
Updated 15 day(s) ago
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I also have a song for when I’m pooping and I’m *not* in a bathroom. “A Horse with No Name” by America.
Updated 15 day(s) ago

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