P.S. Next time we're hanging out, ask to see the floating spoon trick but only if you're ready to question every belief you ever had.
Updated 10 day(s) ago
Also I don't remember being here last night but if I was doing magic tricks then I was definitely in Berserker Mode.
Updated 11 day(s) ago
She claims I was here last night doing quote "gay ass" magic tricks and made her key disappear. First off: hate speech, I think.
Updated 12 day(s) ago
I gasp and tell her I don't have her key because evidently the last thing I want to do in this life is lie for no reason? I'm so random!
Updated 12 day(s) ago
I can't really breathe anymore. My dying brain is all: You were never my favorite. I'm like: Feeling's mutual, pal. We share a warm laugh.
Updated 14 day(s) ago
She angrily tightens her grip, definitely a classic wrestling hold, maybe the Mexican Vein or some variant on the Crotchwatcher?
Updated 19 day(s) ago
I decide to play dumb: um what key ... what even is a key
Updated 21 day(s) ago
I say OK you convinced me, I don’t want any of that stabbed in my body, how can I make that not happen. She says GIVE ME MY GOD DAMN KEY
Updated 22 day(s) ago
(And the cherries are dyed with FD&C Red 40 which is made from petroleum and can cause increased levels of ADHD in children JUST SAYIN)
Updated 24 day(s) ago
(And sulfur dioxide, an air pollutant that can cause respiratory disease. And death.)
Updated 24 day(s) ago
WHICH IS USED TO STERILIZE MALE ANIMALS
Updated 24 day(s) ago
She hisses: These swords have been stabbed in maraschino cherries! Which are made with a brine solution consisting of calcium chloride!
Updated 24 day(s) ago
So I'm all man what is even UP with this weather and that sporting event and she says shhh, a haunting desert wind right in my ear.
Updated 25 day(s) ago
OK, Wikipedia says to stay absolutely still and keep the conversation breezy when being threatened by an unknown assailant with neck swords.
Updated 25 day(s) ago
TURNS OUT: Someone who smelled like Eucerin and cheese fries had three plastic cocktail swords at my neck like some cut-rate Wolverine.
Updated 26 day(s) ago
I slink into my usual booth or rather uncomfortably nudge myself along the vinyl w/noticeable squeaking noise. Sort of my trademark?
Updated posted April 18, 2013, 8:29 pm
DROPPIN SIMILES LIKE A THUMBLESS KLUTZ TRYNA JUGGLE VASELINED WATERMELONS etc
Updated posted April 16, 2013, 9:36 pm
Bartender gives me two free drinks and vanishes. This is like when you find a crate of health potions in a video game. Boss fight comin.
Updated posted April 16, 2013, 8:59 pm
The vibe in here is hard to define but it's sort of like walking in on your parents talking about sex ideas or divorce deets.
Updated posted April 16, 2013, 8:09 pm
I roll into the franchise like a well manicured hand snapping on a quality latex glove dusted with lycopodium powder.
Updated posted April 13, 2013, 5:53 pm
I figure I'll saunter into Chili's Too for a little hair of the dog (they have a drink named that) (I think the "hair" is cotton candy?)
Updated posted April 12, 2013, 8:14 pm
The throw-up key feels ice cold against my heart, nestled in the lush carpet of hair that covers basically my whole chest and is real.
Updated posted April 12, 2013, 6:37 pm
I bet the guy who lives in that key shack in the Sears parking lot will have some insight or at least some crazy stories or things to huff.
Updated posted April 9, 2013, 12:26 pm
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