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Twitter Name: @ruthakers
Website: http://www.witstream.com/#ruth_akers
Location: iPhone: 36.624344,-87.432732
Description: I had kids. So you didn't have to.
Website: http://www.witstream.com/#ruth_akers
Location: iPhone: 36.624344,-87.432732
Description: I had kids. So you didn't have to.
Profile Link: http://comedytweet.com/Ruth_Akers
Spelling words> boys' phone numbers
Things I forget.
Updated 4 day(s) ago
Please stop forwarding my calls to an automatic voice recognition system. My voice is terrible.
Updated 4 day(s) ago
Steve Buscemi really got the short end of that "eye for an eye tooth for a tooth" deal.
Updated posted March 25, 2013, 8:48 pm
Viewing the contents of my stomach upon my death would only lead police to believe that Ramen Noodles sponsored my drinking problem.
Updated posted March 25, 2013, 12:04 pm
Still waiting for a star without makeup who looks as terrible as I do with makeup.
Updated posted March 9, 2013, 6:13 pm
Im like a southern community college because I give myself zero credit.
Updated posted March 8, 2013, 9:39 pm
Your lapband sucks.
Updated posted March 8, 2013, 9:34 pm
@sbellelauren my bucket list was just sleeping with everyone on angie's Craigs and Schindlers list.
Updated posted March 8, 2013, 9:18 pm
Freeze tag as an adult is freezing when someone tags you on their social media site.
Updated posted March 8, 2013, 9:04 pm
Just took a selfie that made me look like Charlize Theron in Monster. Time to give up.
Updated posted February 24, 2013, 10:00 pm
Allergies before I had kids was inconvenient. Allergies after I had them means I've peed my pants 5 times today.
Updated posted February 23, 2013, 9:34 pm
Maybe she's born with it, maybe it's the placenta.
Updated posted February 12, 2013, 9:18 pm
Anyone know the state of my 20th high school reunion? I have like 36 skin tags to remove before then.
Updated posted February 12, 2013, 8:43 pm
Remember ladies- dieting doesn't get rid of excess crazy.
Updated posted February 8, 2013, 1:56 pm
Ask your Doctor if deleting your Facebook is right for you.
Updated posted February 7, 2013, 10:35 pm
Babies, pizza, and Chinese food are all things I've had delivered that didn't meet my expectations.
Updated posted February 7, 2013, 9:44 pm
Stuffed crust pizza is just a euphemism for a yeast infection.
Updated posted February 7, 2013, 9:25 pm
I wish Facebook would adopt the same policy as elementary schools. No Invitations are allowed to be passed out.
Updated posted February 7, 2013, 9:16 pm
What does it say about me that my greatest fear in life is being described by a witness as 'heavyset'
Updated posted February 4, 2013, 9:30 pm
Dropping it like it's tepid at this club.
Updated posted February 1, 2013, 9:11 pm
Never putting lids back on things is my super power
Updated posted January 26, 2013, 11:13 pm
I am a vodka vampire because I will suck the vodka out of anything.
Updated posted January 26, 2013, 11:03 am
All my sex is erect deposit.
Updated posted January 26, 2013, 10:44 am
This is the bottom of the page....
