Following
168
168
Followers
34768
34768
Searching for Joshua Green Allen on YouTube...
The musical accompaniment for our lovemaking experience will be The Wall, in its entirety. J/K I'm already done. Night night!
Updated 1 day(s) ago
Ever yell at other drivers so much you run out of breath and get lightheaded and pass out in the middle of the highway and get run over?
Updated 2 day(s) ago
Do you like my whiteboard underwear YES OR NO. There's a dry erase marker in there somewhere, just feel around.
Updated 3 day(s) ago
On nights like this, when the moon hangs low in the sky and sings Styx songs, I'm glad my mom took all that acid while she was pregnant.
Updated 4 day(s) ago
No I LITERALLY want to butter your hot cherry muffin. A euphe-what? Listen to Miss Community College over there.
Updated 5 day(s) ago
I slowly, seductively pull a Virginia Slims cigarette from my fanny pack. Will no single mom in this Chili's Too offer me a light?
Updated 8 day(s) ago
You can install a slip 'n' slide on the stairs AND scar your child for life AND get a divorce ALL in less than one hour ASK ME HOW
Updated 9 day(s) ago
That punk at the lemonade stand roofied me but good. Hope she's enjoying the expired condom and zero money she found in my wallet.
Updated 10 day(s) ago
Yeah I killed a man. Yes I did! I so did! Aw you're just a dumb little kid, what do you know. How'd you even get in this strip club.
Updated 11 day(s) ago
My doctor says: "You chewing that nicotine gum?" I say: "I thought you said to insert it rectally." I hold him as he quietly weeps.
Updated 15 day(s) ago
Googled myself for four hours straight and then went to Taco Bell because I deserved to be punished and was super hungry you guys.
Updated 17 day(s) ago
She left this month's Cosmo on the toilet. "Test Your 'Twilight' IQ," it whispers. I reach for it with trembling hands.
Updated 18 day(s) ago
I could kick the ass of basically any old lady anywhere in this Whole Foods.
Updated 19 day(s) ago
Quick! Hide the cocaine in the baby!
Updated 22 day(s) ago
YOU SING WHAT I TELL YOU TO SING, NEKO CASE
Updated 24 day(s) ago
We don't have an oven so I tried to kill myself by sticking my head in the dishwasher. Now my hair smells terrific! I CHOOSE LIFE
Updated 25 day(s) ago
You say you love America but I'M the one in the Uncle Sam costume with a visible erection.
Updated 26 day(s) ago
This may be the box of wine talking but I'm pretty sure that statue of the Virgin Mary in my neighbor's yard is giving me the eye.
Updated 29 day(s) ago
Another disastrous tea party. Barbie hit the Shiraz pretty hard and said our marriage went against God's will. Pooh just sat there.
Updated 30 day(s) ago
You know what, I'm going to save everybody a lot of hassle and get a laminated card that says SOME DAMES LIKE THICK, LUSTROUS BACK HAIR, OK?
Updated More than a month ago
$800 in medical bills or $9.75 for pliers and vodka, your call. Yeah meow meow that's all you ever say. Do you WANT kids? OK let's do this.
Updated More than a month ago
NEW POLICY: If someone brings in soy muffins, don't throw them in the garbage and make that person suicide on company property [eom]
Updated More than a month ago
NOTE: Prof. Allen's "Outrun Boulders the Indiana Jones Way" webinar has been canceled due to copyright infringement and a crushed pelvis.
Updated More than a month ago
Hey man can I bum a smoke? And a light? And a trail of gasoline leading to a sexy double agent?s car? And a fake passport? And a hug?
Updated More than a month ago
"Baby I'll pay your bail / And stroke your vestigial tail" *bangs head on piano* I HAVE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND
Updated More than a month ago
Would milady fancy a champagne cocktail with almost no spanish fly in it?
Updated More than a month ago
Wendy? / Yes Lisa / Are the defibrillator paddles lubed? / Yes Lisa / Then let's juice this chump! / OK / OK, what? / OK, LISA THE TOTAL NAG
Updated More than a month ago
? end of side one ?
Updated More than a month ago
Can't believe my little girl is already going to her first prom closely followed by her first trip to the free clinic!
Updated More than a month ago
After a long week, it's nice to come home to the feral child I keep in the backyard and wrestle for money.
Updated More than a month ago
OK, team meeting. Folks, I think some of you might've forgotten that meth is a PEOPLE business.
Updated More than a month ago
My therapist suggested we do some role playing and now my level 14 elf wizard also wants to sleep with my mother.
Updated More than a month ago
Say, whatever happened to our baby? That little dude was hilarious.
Updated More than a month ago
Typical. I finally give up on the UPS guy and he gets here the SECOND I start jerking off in the front yard.
Updated More than a month ago
This is the bottom of the page....
