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Twitter Name: @scottsimpson
Website: http://youlooknicetoday.com/
Location: Burlingame Volunteer Living
Description: Shame is sexy
Website: http://youlooknicetoday.com/
Location: Burlingame Volunteer Living
Description: Shame is sexy
Searching for Scott Simpson on YouTube...
Is there a cheaper model of bread machine designed to go directly into storage?
Updated 11 hours ago
I'm the kind of bad boy who starts crossing the intersection 3, even 4, seconds before the Walk sign.
Updated 15 hours ago
"pencils ... giant pencils ... "
Updated 1 day(s) ago
Hmm, repeatedly clicking on various email messages in my inbox is not making them disappear. Well, might as well go home?I tried!
Updated 1 day(s) ago
10,000 Maniacs: still the best known treatment for Erectile Function Syndrome.
Updated 3 day(s) ago
10,000 Maniacs: still the best known treatment for Erectile Function Sundrome.
Updated 3 day(s) ago
Today they're purely decorative, but pubic hair shave patterns were once used in a ship-to-ship communication system called "semaphore."
Updated 3 day(s) ago
All that shaving cream you can't get from your hands onto your face? I'll bet you just throw it away. I donate mine to charity.
Updated 4 day(s) ago
SUPER excited that 6 of my poems have been chosen for inclusion in "The 100 Greatest Poems of All Time (Edited by Scott Simpson)".
Updated 4 day(s) ago
Sure, SHE can say women have no sense of direction, but when I say it (while holding a shotgun) suddenly it's "not cool," and "terrifying".
Updated 5 day(s) ago
Never join a cult led by a guy who plays fretless bass. #tuesdayswiththewrongmorrie
Updated 5 day(s) ago
Jesus. The mall is Twitter Yaddo.
Updated 6 day(s) ago
Dressed like an 8 year-old in plaid shorts, flip-flops, and a hoodie. If Us Weekly caught me right now my publicist would be busy for days.
Updated 6 day(s) ago
Fortunately, my wife only ever asks me who I imagine in my sexual fantasies (her), not what she sounds like (Andre the Giant).
Updated 6 day(s) ago
For meeting women at the park, nothing beats going for a stroll with a really cute penis.
Updated 7 day(s) ago
Playing with his kids in the hot sun all day, a man sure can work up a powerful boredom.
Updated 7 day(s) ago
If, by flexing my bicep, I could make a tattoo of Abraham Lincoln grow a beard, I would totally get that tattoo. Also that bicep.
Updated 8 day(s) ago
In most hypothetical, "what-if," scenarios I usually just skip to the part where I win a Nobel Peace Prize.
Updated 8 day(s) ago
You think you understand Spanish, then your gardener refers to your penis as "ella" and it's back to square one.
Updated 8 day(s) ago
@sarahlane WHOA WHOA SPOILER ALERT?! I'm reading history right now, only up to 1823.
Updated 9 day(s) ago
Between minutes 59 and 60 on the treadmill, I finally understood Zeno's Paradox. (I feel like I have made this joke infinite times before.)
Updated 10 day(s) ago
Future archaeologists will judge us harshly for our overuse of MS Word clip art.
Updated 11 day(s) ago
I kind of like the ghetto-erudite character in the preceding 4 toots, but I don't like the classism of their author.
Updated 12 day(s) ago
KICKED OUT for being too loud askin my boy if he's read Tree of Smoke yet. Bullshit!! #verizon4evah
Updated 12 day(s) ago
JESUs CHRST (sorry grandma)? Saul Bellow's lesser works?! C'mere librarian, with your glasses like a necklace. Baby you know what I like!
Updated 12 day(s) ago
WTF audiobooks and DVDs too?!? This library has it ALL.
Updated 12 day(s) ago
Aww shit'chyall, my public library card has been APPROVED!!! anybody needs free books, hit me up!!
Updated 12 day(s) ago
B-minus whorehouse names: The Fuckery, Stan's Live Bait Now With BJ's by Margot, The Gape.
Updated 14 day(s) ago
The thing I love most about homemade movies from the 80's is the universal belief that adding sunglasses to any outfit made you look cool.
Updated 15 day(s) ago
To choose the best melon, carefully select one from the store and bring it home. The one you didn't buy is the good one.
Updated 16 day(s) ago
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